This is my last piece on porn for this month’s theme. I am a marriage and sex therapist, as you know. I am open-minded, relatively liberal when it comes to sexual matters and I live very much in the gray. But I work with people daily who are having relationship challenges. When porn is being viewed regularly, it becomes a negative force the great majority of the time. When it comes down to it, porn just does not seem worth it. Now, there are exceptions; I have worked with couples where porn has enhanced their already dynamic and connected sexual relationship. It is just one more way the couple plays with each other. However, far more of the time, there is secrecy, shame, disconnect, regret and guilt; definitely not a potpourri of pleasant feelings!
Worse yet, I have seen wives traumatized by the partner’s use of porn, possibly due to her own beliefs or early childhood issues. I have seen compulsive porn users have porn interfere with their health, their work and most definitely their marriage. So, for most of us mere mortals, it is better to become aware of what drives this behavior and find healthier solutions.
As I have said recently, porn often leads to secrecy where the man acts and feels like a guilty little boy when caught. This mother/son pattern is destructive to healthy attraction and sexuality. If a couple wants to use porn, I say by all means enjoy it; however, get educated, be aware and for sure- be transparent with each other. What I have seen far more often is that when a partner ceases to use porn, his (usually it is a his and not a hers) willingness to be a sexual initiator and sexual responder with his partner significantly increases. When one closes all solo sexual exits, it can help push the person to have that duet sex which may require more work, more attention and more flexibility but can be far more rewarding.
One more thing I would like to let you know about:
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