Ask yourself- are you more of an inflamer or a shutting downer? An inflamer is one who tends to get agitated when upset, raise one’s voice, get anxious, get aggressive, talk faster, etc. For example- the inflamer externalizes his or her upset or anxiety and may put others on the defensive. A shutting downer is someone who tends to withdraw, get quiet, numb oneself with TV or computer, stonewall and/or avoids. He or she internalizes his stress or finds a way to not feel it. (“I feel fine” is a common sentence of a shutting downer who does not reveal a whole lot about his or her inner life).
If you are an inflamer, you do anything you can to practice self-soothing activities such as deep breathing, meditation, self-soothing internal dialogue, muscle relaxation exercises and physical activity. If you are a shutting downer, you do anything you can to connect with yourself and your partner. Locate your inner feelings, look deeply into your partner’s eyes (to see if feelings emerge), express feelings of all kinds (both pleasant and unpleasant), seek a support group and practice imagining your heart area opening up. The shutting downer will do everyone well by expressing more and the inflamer will do everyone well by regulating emotions more effectively.
Sometimes a good therapist or coach can help both kinds of people reach these goals. I have seen many partners change their lives for the better when they did what they could to overturn these automatic responses that end up keeping couples stuck. I wish you success with this. It will change your life!
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