Why I Have a 90% Success Rate When Dealing with Infidelity Issues with Couples
Today I’m writing in a little more depth about why I am usually successful when it comes to dealing with the very painful and difficult problem of cheating and infidelity.
It is such a painful and difficult problem because an intimate relationship is built on trust.
Trust is the foundation of any relationship just like a house is built on a solid foundation. Without this foundation, the relationship can deteriorate; trust is the glue and without glue, it fragments.
Secrets destroy the trust.
The betrayed partner is left with a sense of unreality; “Who is this person after all? Is the relationship a total farce? How could I be in this situation?” The person who committed infidelity has crossed the line and can continue to escape his (or her) created reality rather than deal with it maturely.
Premise # 1 for me is that we all do things, even destructive things for some positive reason.
Often with a cheater, there is a part of the person that feels remorse that wishes he did not make that choice and may not even totally understand himself why he did it. The problem is that “other” part. As human beings, we are not very good yet at dealing with that “other” part. That other part is not explored or communicated in any creative way.
Here are some things that this other part could be about: THESE ARE NOT EXCUSES!!!
- That other part might be terrified of commitment and long-term relationships especially if his (using male gender for ease of writing) parents’ relationship ended poorly.
- That other part might feel very inadequate and could get sucked in by another woman who gives him praise.
- That other part could be very lonely and needs some attention.
- That other part could be angry or in some other form of emotional pain.
- That other part could want something else sexually that the partner does not know about.
- That other part could be sexually addicted or uses sex to soothe his anxiety.
- That other part could be fearful of losing himself in a relationship because he is not good at standing up for himself in intimacy.
As I work with the couple, it is important for BOTH partners to feel understood and validated by me.
The betrayed partner knows that I understand the deep pain of betrayal that she is feeling. I make sure that she knows that I am not expecting her to necessarily want to stay in the marriage or break it up. I honor her choices and also honor her shifts in feelings and direction. It is a painful period and I have no right to tell any person what she should choose. She also hears that he is responsible for his secret behavior and not her, even if she is involved in the dynamics of the problems.
The “cheating” partner needs to feel deeply understood as well.
We look at the infidelity as a symptom of one or more of these 7 factors. We help both partners understand as deeply as possible what has been going on deeply in both people. As there is a greater understanding, options appear that have not appeared before. Sometimes, there is a softening as the understanding between the two deepens.
We come up with alternative solutions to these underlying issues. I help the cheating spouse communicate maturely and effectively about his “other” part. They both learn how to regulate their emotions and develop their capacity to listen to the deep truth of the other person.
Throughout this process, both people realize that I support whatever choice they make even though I do everything I can to help them recover and even thrive as a couple.
As this process continues (and it does not have to be a long process), they learn how to communicate; they stop avoiding dealing with their “other” parts. There is less possibility of acting out the “other” part by infidelity.
Instead, they have created an interpersonal environment that allows the couple to talk about what was once (consciously or unconsciously) taboo. The majority of these couples decide to stay together and get excited about their future together.
My 90% success rate is due to three main things:
- Many couples do want to try working out their marriage if only they can get past the hurt and pain and I help couples access their desire to work it out.
- I have an ability to reframe the infidelity to a deeper and more useful truth that allows for options.
- I help couples develop the emotional muscle to make their connection stronger than the pain they have been experiencing.
My passion is to help couples grow up and handle their challenges as a united, mature couple. I have seen this miracle happen over and over in my office and witnessing this process has made me grateful and inspired by these courageous people who learn to thrive through adversity!
What Happens When Partners Cheat?
Dealing with Infidelity is rampant in our society and one of the biggest issues a couple can face. I’m addressing this issue in my free talk on Tuesday July 29th.
On this call I’ll discuss the 5 things you’ll need to know in order to heal from infidelity and create a thriving relationship.
If you or anyone you know needs my expertise in this area, you’ll want to sign up and join us. Everyone on the call will be anonymous and you’ll have the opportunity to get your questions answered.