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As much as I like to talk about what you can do to have a phenomenal intimate relationship, it is also helpful to look at what you don’t want to do if you want that rewarding intimate experience in a long term relationship. Here are my top 5:

  1. Don’t go with your first reaction when your partner has a complaint about you.  It will probably be defensive and unhelpful.  It is better to take a few breaths and look for any validity or truth in what your partner is confronting you about.  Focus on that and be empathetic.
  2. Don’t judge the relationship as bad or not worth it if you are going through some tough times.  All long term relationships go through tough times and it is when you develop the emotional muscle through those tough times that the relationship can get really good!
  3. Don’t let yourself be busy all the time with no down time.  People that are always pushing themselves, not saying no to social requests or even their children every once in a while, burn themselves out.  The partner becomes a last resort and over time this relationship can develop into a roommate situation as opposed to being two lovers.
  4. Don’t stay in judgment about your spouse.  Practice focusing on why you liked your partner in the first place.  Remember your initial attraction.  Look for all the things your partner does to show love and effort into the marriage and family.  You do not need to suppress your negative feelings and opinions; just focus more on the reasons you and others like your spouse.
  5. Don’t avoid sex and don’t do the same thing in sex over and over again.  If you are not enjoying your sexual relationship on some consistent basis, get some assistance and see what the situation as well as internal blocks are to having more pleasure in the bedroom (or kitchen or anywhere else in the house).

Look over this list and take an honest look at your behavior and I would strongly suggest to make decisions to focus on one thing at a time to change.  Experimenting with new ways of doing and thinking can do wonders for your intimate connection.

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