There are many myths about what makes a relationship great and living out these myths can be dangerous. In this article, I outline some relationship dynamics that many of my clients thought were toxic when actually they were healthy and necessary for a long, hot marriage.
Here are the top 5 Healthy Relationship Dynamics that you may think are toxic:
- It is healthy to have attraction to others outside your committed relationship.
As a matter of fact, having sexual feelings and attractiveness to others can be a catalyst for sexual behavior between the intimate couple. Yes, you may have eyes only for him or her while you are courting and there are different hormones in play at that time. However, after the “honeymoon stage,” these hormones shift and it is natural to find others attractive. So, you may have eyes for other as well. As long as you do not spend too much time “eyeing” or thinking about these other people and as long as you do not act on these feelings, your relationship will be in good shape. Unless, that is, if one of you try to force your partner to only have eyes for you forever and place that unnatural burden on the partner. Let your partner have those attractions and feel those feelings so that your partner can let those feelings go and put all his or her intimate energy into you.
- Couples should fight and have conflict.
Those that keep trying to keep harmony and adapt too much eventually lose their passion. If you want to experience who you are and be yourself in the relationship, it is inevitable that you will sometimes rub each other the wrong way; it is inevitable that you will disagree or have strong and polarized feelings about someone or something important in your life. Allow conflict to exist. Yes, you may need to compromise and yield at times; however this is not done without some struggle. There is always the tension between being true to our own wants and needs and yet being sensitive to our partner’s.
- There will be things you do not like about your partner that will never change.
It is perfectly ok to not like some qualities, traits or behaviors of your partner. Of course, if one of these traits is absolutely impossible to accept at the core of your being, then you may need to think twice about the relationship you are in. But most of the time, we just unnecessarily judge the heck out of our partner and our relationship instead f just accept and enjoy the big picture. It is even possible to enjoy the flaws of your partner, seeing them as cute or unique. It is part of what makes your partner human. Believe me, you probably can dig up a few flaws of your own! If not, your partner will help you find them!
- Your sex life will probably go through its ebbs and flows; ups and downs.
You’re both human and you both get affected by each other and many other aspects of your environment. Then add in hormonal changes life transitions and losses and intermittent (or chronic) physical problems, and your sex life may suffer at times. Of course, see what you can do to rekindle passion, (I would be happy to help you with that). But allow for the rising and the falling of libido, interest and arousal. Even the author of “The Long Hot Marriage” has had some sexual highs and lows in his 30-year marriage. It is normal and it is part of the human experience.
- It’s good to get away from each other.
It is only then that you can bring something back to the relationship. Too much time together and not enough space between you will erode the passion and your own inner spirit. Spend time with friends separate from your partner. Spend time in solitude. Find activities that do not include your partner. And then when you merge with him or her, really enjoy some positive intensity between you. In other words, be separate to be close.
There you go. These five behavioral patterns that can be misconstrued as toxic are not only “normal” but necessary for a long hot marriage. If you want to learn more about these relationship changing ideas and how to apply those ideas (and more) to make your marriage phenomenal, I highly recommend buying my book, The Long Hot Marriage at the link below:
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