Today is August 12, 2014 and it is my wedding anniversary.  I have been married to Cherie for 30 years. I want to tell you why I am still so in love with her.  I want to be authentic and real, because as you probably could guess, being a marriage and sex therapist does not automatically qualify me as the world’s greatest husband.  So here’s the real scoop.

On August 12, 1984, I had no idea how immature I was, pretty clueless actually.  However, through the years, I learned about my strengths and most certainly my weaknesses.  For one thing, I did not handle her negative emotions such as disappointment and anger towards me very well.  I got defensive, self-righteously angry and reactive.

As time continued to move on , I discovered a very important fact:

THERE IS NO NEED TO GET DEFENSIVE WHEN MY WIFE HAS NEGATIVE FEELINGS TOWARDS ME.  I JUST NEED TO BE ATTENTIVE AND CURIOUS.   

As I relaxed and developed the emotional muscle to listen, I found myself liking her more and more.  It is not that I disliked her; it was just that the inevitable stresses of life had taken over the experience of love and compassion.  The good news was that love and compassion had never gone away.  I had just let my own pain (and the immature ways of handling that pain) take over.

The more I grew up, the more beautiful she became.

Now, I do not want to take all the credit here.  She also learned, grew and communicated more effectively.  She also did and still does do a great job of taking care of herself.

The fact that she is more beautiful to me than ever probably has to do with:

1. My seeing her as the lovely lady she is despite the fact that sometimes she can be unhappy with me.
2. She has returned the favor as well as worked on herself emotionally and physically.

We still have our times when we regress and become the children we once were; however it is short-lived because marriage is more fun when we act as adults.  As I wrote years ago in my book, “The Long Hot Marriage”, when we can maturely deal with pain and learn how to communicate (in other words express ourselves more clearly and listen more attentively), then we are freed up to be playful, sensual, romantic and sexual.

Passion in a long-term relationship is earned through the process of growing up together.

The last thing I want to mention regarding why I am so in love with my wife after 30 years is this:  We know we are on an adventure.  As a matter of fact, we are about to enter a new chapter of our marriage- empty nesters.  My youngest child is going off to college.  We will miss having our children around, no question about it.

However, we are free to travel, be naked around the house (yes I said it), and do new activities together.  More importantly, marriage truly is an adventure as long as you recognize it is.  Neither one of us stayed too long in our comfort zones; we risked by being vulnerable (and will continue to do so) and we look at the marriage as an arena in which we can explore more and more of who we are, expressing ourselves more fully and exposing ourselves to each other including our flaws.

Love is real and one way to demonstrate this real thing in our lives is though our intimate relationship. 

I am looking forward to my continued personal development and our continued adventure over the next 30 years (or more), as I am so grateful to be married to my lovely wife.

Here’s to getting the love you want!