3 common questions I get asked, with answers

This week I thought I would share with you the 3 most commonly asked questions (with my answers):

Q: If I am not in love with my partner, is it possible to ever get those feelings back?

A: If you have ever been in love with your partner, you can be in love again.  

The problem is that as relationships continue, pain emerges such as hurt, disappointment, fear and anger.  Often the couple starts to emotionally disconnect at this point because we have few if any good role models in how to stay connected even when feeling these unpleasant feelings towards our partner.

As you learn how to develop the “emotional muscle to reconnect with your partner, even through pain, your “in love” feelings may reemerge just as spontaneously as they left.  It is difficult to imagine this when you are basing your future on your history.

With new patterns of connecting, it is possible to fall back in love.


Q: Since my partner had an affair, is it possible to ever trust him or her again?

A: There are a variety of reasons people have affairs.  

Affairs are symptoms of other problems whether it has to do with unmet needs in the relationship, a sex addiction, or a way of having power.

This is not meant to be a condoning of extramarital relationships; the person having the affair is responsible for his or her choice to do that and we are not blaming the partner.  However, it would be a mistake to say the affair IS the problem.  Not only is that inaccurate; it would make it near impossible to heal from the affair.

Once you understand the underlying causes and issues, you can focus on healing at that deeper level.  When this happens and healthier patterns of relating are developing, you can start to trust again.

Note that there is never a 100% chance of fidelity even in marriages where there has been total faithfulness; trust needs to happen as the PROBABILITY of having an affair goes down since there is no certainty.


Q: We fight all the time; can we ever learn to stop fighting?

A:  When couples are constantly fighting, it is because both people are continually reacting in ways that push the raw buttons of the partner and for sure-there is no listening going on.

Either partner can begin to interrupt that behavior by

  1. Noticing what makes him react as well as his partner.

  2. Developing the emotional muscle it takes to listen to one’s partner even if the first impulse is to do a fight or fight behavior.

When partners listen to each other, there is no need for fighting.

Fighting can be thought of as an inept way of trying to be heard or regaining some sense of power.

Listening takes care of both of these needs.  When you are experiencing your partner listening, you would never raise your voice since you are already being heard.  Also, being heard will naturally and healthily give you a sense of power; the power of feeling that you matter.

Here’s to getting the love you want!

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